Running out of time

Let's see... two days left to check off all the goals set a year ago. The travel bits might be a challenge, as is learning a new language. But "Live and let live" is doable. And I really have tried to embrace this tenet. To all of the haters, the doubters, the meanies - Go! Live! ;)

I didn't travel as much as I'd hoped in 2014. But I devoted more time and money to things that needed to be done on the house and I had a couple of health issues that kept me grounded as well. Nothing major, but enough to keep me at home. So, more travel is on the books for 2015. 

Stop over-thinking things... that's also on my 2015 list.

Happy New Year!

Victory Lap

It is over. Every year I dread the Christmas season. Every year I work myself into a fit of sadness/melancholy/angst/resentment. I push through it until by Christmas Eve, I'm promising myself to be away (far away) next year. Today, the 28th, my spirits are buoyed again. I'm making plans for 2015. I'm thinking that Christmas wasn't that bad. Haha, I have a very short memory. 

Plural

Thinking positively. :)

Lone Chair

One of my fist thoughts as I looked at this photo was the lone chair. At first I thought it gave a personal, intimate touch to the scene. The more I looked at it, it began to seem sad somehow. A single chair. Lonely? No place for a friend to sit? I'm not sad that I'm alone. I'm not looking for a relationship. But I do wish there was the occasional need for another chair. I think I'll buy one. And maybe someone will come along to sit in it and share some wine and conversation. And maybe a cigar. 

Changes

The summer is winding down and I am pleased with this change. I first noticed that the sunlight was lower when I returned from a week away to the coast of North Carolina. Some leaves have been falling but I sense this has more to do with trees in distress than with the change of seasons. Of course, I also notice the sunrise occurring later each day; I delay the feeding of the feral cats until it is light outside and the time is getting closer to eight these mornings. The temps are only rumored to be lower this week... but I admit the summer heat has not been as brutal as past years.

I look forward to leaving the house windows open all day long.

The Get-Away, Gotten

I've been waiting to post on my week in the Outer Banks until my feelings settled down and I could think past the obvious fun, food, and photos... but I think my feelings were stronger on the drive home and now the everyday chores and routine are causing them to fade into the background.

The strongest feeling I had during the drive home was a realization of why I dreaded returning home from prior vacations. Back then, I was heading back to feeling inadequate, incompetent and not good enough. I hate saying that and I'm not laying blame; I'm just saying that for most of my adult life I've tried to please and have not been terribly happy as a result.

So... I needed to get away and I succeeded. I feel refreshed and contented. 

I wish...

... that I knew for sure.

... that I had more courage and less trepidation.

... that I could let go of the past.

... that I was crazy in love.

... that I didn't seem to live my life wishing.

"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. What we do with this hour, 

and that one, is what we are doing. A schedule defends from chaos and whim. It is a net 

for catching days. It is a scaffolding on which a worker can stand and labor with both 

hands at sections of time. A schedule is a mock-up of reason and order—willed, faked, 

and so brought into being; it is a peace and a haven set into the wreck of time; it 

is a lifeboat on which you find yourself, decades later, still living. Each day is the 

same, so you remember the series afterward as a blurred and powerful pattern." ~ Annie Dillard

I wish for more chaos and whim.

Dream a little dream

My dreams are often troubling; not nightmarish, just unsettling. Fear and betrayal are common feelings; my house being broken into, people leaving me behind, confusion when I try to get out of a building, out of a parking garage, out of an airport... you get the idea.

I can't remember having a happy dream, one where everything is wonderful... or at least not worrisome. I know that we can't control what we dream about, but they do arise from somewhere in our unconscious mind so is there a way to 'quiet' the brain so it is less likely to produce situations full of worry and trouble?

I'm not looking for Rom-Com dreams... just peaceful walks on a beach or sitting next to a waterfall or just feeling happy and contented.

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." - Buddha

Warm Enough Already

Spring has turned summery, as it usually does in the South. I will miss the cool mornings with the house windows open and the fresh air clearing out the stuffiness; sleeping with the windows open (once the pollen season ended) was delightful. Fresh air induces sound sleep, for me at least. 

Well, except for the night I had just gotten into bed and heard a screeching noise outside. My first thought was that it was a cat fight but it didn't really sound like a cat. Went out onto the deck with a flash light but didn't see anything but a raccoon. The next morning I didn't find any evidence of a fight (no carcasses) so whatever happened wasn't lethal.

tell me a story...

... of magnolia blossoms

and sunsets and summer nights spent on sleeping porches

and skinny dipping and making love in convertibles

and lemonade with lots of ice

and whispers in the dark of promises

promises

The photo is new but the words are from 2007. 

May Day

When I was growing up in upstate NY, May 1 was celebrated by finding a May Basket at the front door. It appeared mysteriously... though we knew it was my cousin who had made the paper baskets and filled them with flowers and some sort of edible treats. 

Good memories...

Every which way

Some days I feel like this tangled web of vines. I start out with a plan and by the time I second/third/fourth guess myself, I'm wondering what the original idea was. And when did I stop having faith in my ideas? Is it part of getting older/wiser (too many plans gone awry over the years) or becoming a widow (no longer having someone to catch me if I fall) that has robbed me of my impetuousness? Too much impulsiveness is bad, but creativity requires some - at least. 

Don't curse the darkness

An early morning thunderstorm caused a power outage. At the four hour mark, I decided to go for a drive - charge my phone in the car and buy lottery tickets. I can still lift a double garage door! Picked up some hot coffee from McD and stopped by my son's old house to check out a tree limb that had fallen onto the neighbor's fence. By the time I got back home, the power was back on. Lights on, fridge humming. Oh, and I found an old radio and actually had enough AA batteries to break the silence while I waited.