don't look back too far

I've noticed that some people are looking back at a decade now that a new one is right around the corner. I can't do that, nor do I want to look back that far. A lot of good things happened in the last ten years... and some truly awful things too. So for me, one year is a good time frame to review.

On January 1, 2009 I didn't know what the new year would bring, I just knew I would be alone. I decided I wanted to travel and did I ever! None of us knows how long we have on this earth, no matter what our age. And there are places I want to see and I'm going to visit as many possible. I don't like traveling alone, but if it's the only option - so be it.

Stay tuned for more 2010 plans...

it's a puzzlement...

I don't understand why I will travel halfway around the world alone, but I will not go to a restaurant to eat dinner alone. I did once this year (see Big Salad) and I have resolved to do it more often in 2010. I'm tired of take-out and drive thru... (this is my favorite Chinese take-out place).

More resolutions to come...

Yes, Virginia...

"You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood."

every creature has a job to do...

As I sit at my desk and watch the squirrels cavorting across the lawn and up-and-down the trees, I wonder why the "outdoor" cats (see above) are not doing their job... which is to keep my kingdom (queendom?) varmint-free.

A little background on the outside cat family: over a year ago, a stray cat gave birth to a litter of four underneath my deck. Of course I fed her - she looked quite bedraggled, mostly from nursing her babies. So... I started feeding her and then when the kittens were weaned, I fed them too. The mom eventually left - I have no idea where she went but I hope nothing bad happened to her. And so, today I still feed her family - twice a day. I refuse to let them inside my house - I WILL NOT be the woman who lives with six cats!, so I bought a large doghouse and added a heated bed for them to stay out of the rain and cold temperatures. I wish I could get them to a veterinarian to be spayed/neutered, but they are quite feral, despite allowing me to feed and house them. I haven't been able to pick them up and when my son tried to pick one up it really freaked out. If only there was some animal birth control that I could add to their food...

But back to their lack of good work ethics... their hunting genes are apparently being suppressed by the current buffet on the deck. Perhaps a salad bar instead...

lonestar

Lonestar where are you out tonight?
This feeling I'm trying to fight
It's dark and I think that I would give anything
For you to shine down on me.

How far you are I just don't know
The distance I'm willing to go
I pick up a stone that I cast to the sky
Hoping for some kind of sign.
~ lyrics, Norah Jones

the redness...

The 'eye thing' started again the other night... I won't go into the details, but it's painful. I managed to get an emergency appointment with the ophthalmologist this morning and... it's finally been diagnosed and is being treated. Nothing very serious, just aggravating.

Resume the merry-making...

Green

I am tired of being sad... have I said this before? And then gotten mired once again in the feeling that I cannot move?

I met a couple on the cruise - they were from North Carolina and very nice to chat with. During one conversation, the moment seemed appropriate for telling them that I am a recent widow. They told me that one of their best friend's husband had committed suicide a year ago and they have been helping her deal with his death. And then they said that they were wondering when the hand-holding would no longer be necessary. I know the comment took me by surprise... I don't know if my expression changed, but I thought to myself "Yes, that is how people feel; that a year is probably long enough to mourn." And then you flip a switch and move on with your life. Well, I certainly have tried. I have covered thousands of miles trying to move on, haven't I?

This season always gets me down... I'm not sure why. People are frantic to shop and spend... hoping that in that pile of gifts will be the perfect, life-altering, cue-the-choir-singing-hallelujah!, this is the best present ever!

Too Grinchy am I? Okay, green isn't my color anyway.

my timbers are shivered

I've returned from my cruise of the Windward Islands, aboard the Royal Ciipper. She is a beautiful sailing vessel and the trip was fantastic!


More photos here

Now... to get through the rest of this season.

the tree

A little something different for the season.

I made it through the day yesterday. My family kept me occupied with shopping, etc. Milestones don't really change anything; the day after a birthday or anniversary is pretty much the same as the day before. We just use them to mark the times of our lives...

I am not there...

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there.
I did not die.