Giving thanks

Today, Thanksgiving Day, is the last of the "first holidays alone". Not that I think any of them will get easier the second or third time around, but as the song says - "The World Keeps Turning".

Too Tuesday

What a day! Too many stumbling blocks for one day. I've been trying to get things done in preparation for my upcoming cruise... and also doing some of the usual pre-holiday tasks. I think everything is back on track now, but my day has been too stressful.

Going back...

... is not an option.

My life will never be the same, but it will turn (is turning now, with or without my assent) in a new direction. When I was diagnosed with cancer 22 years ago and going through chemotherapy treatments, I cried that I wanted my old life back... I wanted things the way they used to be. But that is never possible. I became a woman who survived cancer. The process changed me and my family.

So now I must figure out my new life. I can't have things the way they were and to try would keep me rooted in this place of sadness and melancholy.

Short days and long shadows

I haven't been posting much lately... partly because I have been sick and partly because I have lacked inspiration for getting out and taking photographs. I feel much better today and am managing to pick up the camera even though I seem to point the lens aimlessly. It's the time of year... as a good friend reminded me a few days ago. If I can get through the one year mark and the holidays, I know (I hope!) my outlook will improve.

Every day I re-realize that I am alone... will be alone... and I shouldn't be alone. It's still not fair that he is gone and I am here.

On a positive note - I was contacted this week by someone who wants to use one of my photos as the logo for his business! We have agreed on a price and I am very... honored, flattered, happy. It's a good thing. I just wish I had someone to celebrate with. But as soon as I'm off all of the medications, I'll open a bottle of champagne.

I'm not seeing it...

This photo was taken one year ago today. I took a similar shot just the other day, not realizing that I was repeating myself. I have had this nagging thought... no, it's more than that - I KNOW that I am not shooting the photographs that I want to make. I hope that makes sense, because I don't know how to "see" the photos I want to capture. Does this mean they won't come naturally to me?

I keep shooting the same things... over and over. And the results are not bringing me satisfaction. There are some of my photos that I look at and think " I love that, I can't believe I took it!" But lately I feel as though I'm in an infinite loop... retracing my same steps. I'm not growing photographically.

*Sigh*... what to do?