fog

It's hard to believe that it has been 57 days. Today, I had to hold
back the tears at the Department of Motor Vehicles. I was getting titles transferred to my name and had to present copies of the will and death certificate. When I saw the clerk write Gary's name on the forms.... it felt real once again. And I hate that his name is disappearing.... that he has disappeared.

look

I am trying.... trying to get things done.... trying to do normal, everyday things. And I am making some plans.... for the moment, a plan to attend the LOOK3 photography festival in June. Small steps.

an interesting sky

I have always thought of myself as well-informed and able to figure most things out. But I never claimed to know anything about cars except how to get in, turn the key and go. Today, I sat in the car, trying to find out how something worked, reading the owner's manual... and feeling completely overwhelmed. There was no one to ask. There are people I can call in an emergency... but no longer do I have the luxury
of a "Hey hon, how does this work?"

the girl

the girl...

didn't become what she thought she would

didn't go where she imagined she would

didn't love who she dreamed was her knight

she became a woman who faced and conquered many challenges

she went places she never dreamed she would see

she loved, and was loved by, a true prince.

the numbers

.... what to do, where to go? For the time being, 

I think I will just sit here and idle - at least until Spring arrives.

above and below

... the surface. 

Trying to stay afloat, these leaves will eventually decay and sink to the bottom of the pond; no longer touching the reflected sky and clouds on the surface. But on this day, they were still golden.

night & day

I am tired. Tired of trying to be positive. Tired of pretending that one of these days, it will be alright. Tired of dotting the i's and crossing the t's, because you are not allowed to mourn and grieve without the proper paperwork being notarized,  filed and delivered along with copies of every certificate a person is issued in this life. I am tired. I don't think I have the strength to push forward, without a promise. I need a promise... that someday the bad dreams will only own the night... that someday I will know for sure that he is in a better place... that someday the knowledge that I will never hear his voice again will not break my heart.

measuring

We tend to measure things.... How far is it? How long has it been? How long until? How many more? ...so that we can assign numbers to things in order to track our progress (or lack of).  

This is the 5th Monday.

along for the ride

I am certainly not behind the wheel these days.  The turns and shifts are being controlled by... who or what I'm not sure. Eventually, the decision-making will come back to me and I will slide across the long seat, release the clutch and point this thing in the direction I choose.

a good rainy day

Although I still feel as though I am living someone else's life, and will switch back to my own at any any moment, today has been a "not bad" day.  That is all I can ask for now.

I do hereby resolve...

not to make any promises. 

 

I would like to write more, photograph more, travel more.... and if I succeed at any or all of those things, well then, hoorah for me! But the current reality is that every minute, every second is as fragile as the cobwebs hanging from my windows. The slightest breeze, the tiniest misstep and I become inconsolable. And so, I take shallow breaths... I make no sudden moves.... I plan no further ahead than a few hours, because to do otherwise is too overwhelming.